The Sugarfilled Wars
by oh.holy.martel
Summary: LxLight crack. shonen-ai. No yaoi. Possible innuendos. Perhaps an eventual plot. Will, of course, guest-star M, M&N in later chapters!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Welcome, welcome to the sugar-filled wars!**

**Disclaimer: Nope. No Death note owners here. (Runs and hides.)**

--

Light had a sudden epiphany, a typical one as far as epiphanies go, also rather typically placed as he suddenly jerked awake at three in the morning. "Ryuzaki, I've got it!" he shouted, jerking up in bed and pulling away the somewhat vulnerable while sleeping detective's carefully hoarded roll of covers. "Ryuzaki, wake up! I've figured out why we're not getting anywhere on the Kira case!"

L, who had been steadfastly ignoring him until the mention of the word Kira (after all, he had scarcely gone to sleep a half-hour before) shot up into his usual sitting position and looked at Light with what one would suppose was a look of impassive interest. "Do share, Light-kun," he said, hair sticking up even more wildly than usual on his left side, on which he slept. "Anything discovered in such a manner at 3:12:57 in the morning must be of utmost importance."

Light, so overwhelmed with the immensity of his idea that he missed the sarcasm, exclaimed, "Exactly, Ryuzaki! I just had a dream about my life before—well, before Kira and the confinement—and I realized what sort of things I did to make myself think! A healthy body leads to a healthy mind! I used to jog and exercise and actually go outside and use entertainment and have a life for some reason—so now I'm stuck!"

"And pray tell what this has to do with the case," L said somewhat testily, not in the mood for Light at three in the goddamn morning, spouting off more of the exercise, skin and hair care, and heath-filled Diet to Perfection the teen was famously annoying for. Watari, L's caretaker and the closest thing to a father he had ever had, knew not to wake L once he was actually getting some sleep, and Light would learn that soon.

Light, unfortunately, was still oblivious. "Come on, Ryuzaki," he said cajolingly, turning to his friend in bed and gesturing avidly—causing the handcuff chain to clink in an irritating manner—as he explained. "We sit inside all day in front of computers, hunting through hours of worthless data in hopes of finding a single nugget of success. We have no scheduled breaks, we have no fun, and we have no air or exercise. No wonder you're so pale! I swear, I'm losing weight AND muscle mass here, not doing any exercise and having to eat at the same time as YOU. Why don't we go jogging or something this morning?"

"Light-kun…wishes to suggest…that we go _jogging_?" L reiterated, as if his senses were not as optimal at 3:16:21 in the morning as they were at all other times. In truth, the thought of one such as the great L risking the showing of his face in public for the ludicrous task of taking his primary suspect _jogging_ was something that he did not want to so much as comprehend, much less persuade Light from doing. The stubborn boy was likely to, at 3:16:34 in the morning, argue him around in his sleep-deprived state and later make good on his coerced promise, resulting in inconceivable humiliation and most likely danger. L was smart enough to know that this minor rebellion had to be squashed quickly. "Perhaps Light-kun forgets, in his dream aftermath, the secrecy of this operation. We are trying to catch Kira and in constant mortal peril. Going jogging in public would compromise the secrecy of this operation and give Light-kun a perfect opportunity to kill me!"

"Relax, Ryuaki," Light said, rolling his eyes. "No one will know you're L. And since I'm not Kira, there's nothing to worry about! Come on, we can go this morning and everything! It'll be great! I haven't been outside in forever."

L, about to irately refuse once again, stopped at the sudden longing in the teen's voice. When he had chained the together he had known there would have to be some sacrifices, but who had been making them all so far? Light. He hadn't even gone outside in seven mo—well, since the confinement, anyway. That was too much to ask any reasonable person to undergo, really. Even Misa got out for her modeling work, and L could absolutely _prove_ she was the second Kira. Maybe one little outing wouldn't hurt …

L sighed as the line of thinking took him to its inevitable conclusion and said the words cementing the decision he was 97% positive he'd regret making in the morning. "As you wish, Light-kun. We will go jogging this morning if Light-kun pleases."

"Thanks, Ryuzaki!" Light exclaimed, rolling over and doing something with the alarm clock. "It'll be great! I even know somewhere we can stop to get a snack!"

L tried not to get his hopes up. Anything Light-kun the fruit Nazi considered an acceptable "snack" would most likely have a sugar content worth even considering, but still … as L drifted back to his long overdue slumber he felt the faint stirrings of hope. Perhaps a change was what was needed, after all. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to step out into the sun.

--

"I do not consider five o'clock the morning, Light-kun," L grumbled, being tugged on in his shuffling manner by the accursed metal lines that kept him attacked to the psychopath in baby-blue Nike shorts who shook his sweat-soaked bronze mane and said cheerfully, "Come on, Ryuzaki! If we don't go any faster the task force will arrive before we get back!"

"A fate to be avoided at all costs," said L, refusing to try an outright jog and so being forced to do a rather inconvenient shuffle-hop to account for his slouch as he was pulled along by a certain teen he was not filled with warm and fuzzy feelings for at this moment. "The percentage of Light-kun being Kira is now up to 86%. Showing my face in public to the world like this is clearly part of his clever ploy to determine my identity and kill me. I thought you said that we would be getting a snack, Light-kun?"

Light laughed, sweat-dampened bronze hair glittering in the sunlight as he answered without pausing, panting slightly as he started the ascent up the bridge, "Relax, sugar-addict. We're nearly there. The shop's in a mini-center on the other side of the bridge."

"I will need massive amounts of sugar to make up for my body's sun immunizations and undue physical exertion. I hope Light-kun is prepared for that."

Light rolled his eyes, pausing for a second on the balls of his feet at the peak of the bridge's arc as a red Corvette, one corner of the grille with an indent approximately 14 centimeters in diameter, whizzed past, some sort of music with a heavy beat and shouted lyrics that L had strongly considered getting the world to ban once or twice but dismissed because it'd mean a whole extra dimension of crime for him to worry about, still rarin' to go as he exclaimed, "This is good for you, Ryuzaki! You need to get out more! Can't you just feel the energy radiating out here?" and then he frowned, turning to look sideways at L as he began to jog again, commenting quietly, "But you really shouldn't reveal information about the case while outdoors, Ryuzaki. You're the one who always urges us to be cautious. And seriously, Ryuzaki, I don't know how I can prove to you that I'm not Kira. When are you going to stop doubting me?"

"Light-kun is contradicting his earlier statement," Ryuzaki managed to drone even as he was tagged forward, using a trivial statement to counter Light's accusation, to deny him until he could find an answer for his own self.

"Ryuzaki! You've got to sop this nonsense1 How can we be friends if you try to prove me Kira every possible chance you ge-"

But Light stopped, because he realized L wasn't listening. And the reason L wasn't listening was because they had finally reached the bakery, and L was floored by just starign into the windows.

L snuck another glance at him. How could it be possible, for eyes to go that wide? "Ryuzaki, have you ever been to a bakery before?"

"I'm afraid not, Light-kun," L answered without turning away from the case, admitting, "Watari has always handled my sweet deliveries. I have never seen so many fresh-baked goods at one time. Light-kun. If people are exposed to wonders such as this, why do they even bother with the folly you call normal food? Why has Watari never informed me of this?"

"Probably because he didn't want you even more hooked than you already are," Light relied, rolling his eyes again for what probably wouldn't be the last time on this little outing. "Come on, junkie. Let's go get you your fix." He brushed back his bronze hair and tugged Ryuzaki inside, entering the haven of floury air tinged with the mingled scents of heat, coffee, and all together too much sugar with his still paralyzed companion in tow.

He didn't see the lady across the street, a town gossip who liked to hang around the bakery and eavesdrop, cross herself and fall into a faint before getting up and rushing out to tell everyone in the town about the two strange boys actually _handcuffed_ together, discussing _drugs_ out in the middle of the morning! Really!

But Light didn't know about that.

--

"Just pick something, Ryuzaki. People are waiting in line."

"But there are so many to choose from, Light-kun! Why must I only get one?"

"Because more will ruin your healthe! I see now why Watari doesn't take you out! Just hurry up and choose or you don't get anything!"

"And who are you to decide that, Yagami-kun? As I may remind you, I am in possession currently of all of our funds. Though I'm sure Light-kun's father would be happy to pay me back when we get back to headquarters."

"Why, you little!"

L looked over at Light, whose fist were clenched and seemed ready to spring, then weighed the odds of antagonizing him further to get a bit more of a rise out of Lira before deciding that actually getting his sweets and back to the taskforce headquarters intact was more important. "I'll have a dozen donuts, please. One of every kind that has either icing, sprinkles, or some form of extensively applied easily recognizable sugar."

As the rather apprehensive-looking employee moved away to take care of his request, Light hissed at him, "A whole dozen donuts! You better not be planning to eat them all yourself! Even you can't be _that_ immune to sugar and fat, Ryuzaki!"

Ryuzaki raised his eyebrows as he looked at Light. "I know no such thing, Light-kun. Though I do certainly intend to eat my donuts."

"Augh! You-"

Light was forestalled by the employee's return. "Here's your donuts, sirs. That's be $12.95. Cash only, please."

As Ryuzaki paid, Light realized something he had not previously considered in even his rightful rantings. How were he and Ryuzaki even supposed to carry the donuts back to the task force headquarters, considering its awkward size, when it was nearly 3 miles away? Had the famous L missed something s glaringly obvious as this, lost in te thought of his sugar haze? Light glanced surreptitiously to the side as L paid. He didn't seem in the least perturbed, though it was nearly impossible to tell with L. Oh, well. Maybe this would teach L a lesson about sweets in moderation for once.

The second they got outside the bakery, Light's suspicion was aroused by the sight of a dark, discreet limousine of a car parked almost directly outside the bakery. _Could it be … ?_ L headed calmly over, explaining quietly to Light, "Earlier I instructed Watari to pick us up for the return journey, so we would have sufficient time to devour our repast before the rest of the task force arrived. I would not wish to bear being out in the sun when it became more pronounced, later in the morning."

Light, annoyed but not angry yet, followed L reluctantly to the car as h consoled himself to the fact that he no longer got his nice, relaxing jog back or the chance to watch L try to run carrying a box of donuts under one arm. He reached the turning point, however, when L slid over his seat to get in the car. "Please sit on the towel, Light-kun. I would not wish your sweat to stain the carpeting."

"I'm going to kill you for this, Ryuzaki," he muttered, and then realized mis mistake immediately when L merely replied: "If light-kun wishes for me to refrain from calling him Kira-kun, he should stop acting the part."

"I hate you."

--

Light was munching on his whole grain bagel, lightly smeared with low-fat cream cheese, or attempting to at the very least. The problem, as it always was when he considered his dwindling weight and decided to do better, was painfully prominent and unavoidable.

Ryuzaki.

Just now, the way he would eat that donut—pulling off the crust beneath the icing piece by piece, turning it over to lick every sprinkle, putting tiny sections of the icing in his mouth and savoring it once his forefingers were painted chocolate brown, which he then proceeded to lick with relish-

But that wasn't all. Every time light looked down to take a bite of his bagel, or did absolutely anything that would take his eyes off L for just under a second, the donut he was working on currently would just _disappear_—and there was no way L could have eaten it. But yet he had.

_How??_

Finally, around five donuts in (Light could only keep track by gauging the number of empties in the box), Light cracked. He pushed aside his barely touched bagel, slammed his chair back and stood up and cried out, "How are you doing that, Ryuzaki?! It's not right! You can't be eating that fast!"

"Perhaps you are right, Light-kun," L said, seeming unruffled by the possibility, rising and gesturing for Light to follow. "Come. We must prepare for today's work."

--

Watari, coming in to clean up as he always did, saw the mess under the table and shook his head. "OH, L," he sighd. "You always did do such strange things." And then he bent to clean up the wreckages of half-finished donuts L had discarded under the table, in keeping with his secret.

--

**Well, there you have it. Good fashioned-old LxLight fluff. The next chapter involves Matsuda and an online dating sevice … review? Por favor? Especially M, or she won't be getting anymore fun …**


	2. Holly and Ivy

**A/N: Second chapter! Thanks to M and MP, my amazing first two reviewers! Also to P of P, my third. (People who like LxLight fluffy goodness, check out MP's fics Minor Annoyances and Minor Dilemmas. L and Light galore.) I apologize in advance for any typos, because I was in a hurry to publish last time since my dad was screaming at me to get off the computer and I hate re-reading my work. On that note, I'm looking for a beta for my other story, War at Wammy's. M already called this one. (And no, I do not have an unreasonable obsession with initials. I'm N, by the way. Mini-explanation at the end of the chapter that actually has nothing to do with the real reason, which is that my name has an "n" sound in it and my two best friends have "l" and "m"s.) So enjoy, read, and review! **

**Disclaimer: (Door bursts down) "You! There! We are apprehending you for the unlawful use and exploitation of the plot and characters of Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata!" (Pulls out handcuffs) (Others move to surround the building)**

**Me: "But look, see here! I've put up a disclaimer! That's the magic of fanfic!" (Points erratically, taking in walls and broken down door) (Head policeman looks confused, scratches head in unattractive manner)**

**Policeman: "Oh, that's right1 We **_**are**_** standing in a disclaimer! I apologize, ma'am. Team, move out. False alarm. I apologize."**

**Me: "Could you say the disclaimer, then, just to make it official?"**

**Policeman: (Ahem) "Yes. Well, the characters and original plotline to this story, modified or otherwise, do not belong to this young lady here. Please, uh, enjoy, and don't infringe any copyright laws or I'll have to be catching up with you." (Leaves)**

**Sorry … that kind of took on a plot of its own … now, onward to the story!**

**--**

"Ryuzaki," Light whispered the next morning, the task force hard at work trying to get a fix on the new elusive Kira. "IM window. I've got something I want to talk to you about."

"Agreed, Light-kun," Ryuzaki answered, surprised. What could Light-kun wish to talk about that he would not say in front of the task force? There was a 95% chance of it being yesterday morning, which they hadn't mentioned again except for one murmured "Thank you" when it was time for bed and Light's dream-hazed murmurings while he was asleep that went something like, "Ryuzaki … you saved me from the killer donuts … thank you … but how are you still so thin? An alternate dimension you store them in? I see … thanks for explaining … come on, have you seen candy mountain yet? … I heard they got in a new shipment of gumdrops … "

Interesting indeed.

Too bad Light-kun hadn't dreamed about Kira yet, or he would have already solved the case.

L logged on to the private chat room he'd set up a few days into the confinement to keep in touch with Mello, Near, and Matt as he had nothing better to do, coding in his private password that no one could ever possibly guess in any time since the beginning of writing to when the world would be rendered an empty, useless husk from the star humans called the sun's supernova explosion, or so he honestly believed. And what was this most magical of passwords?

53ibissymal%)91.

Well, maybe Misa could guess it if she just looked down and banged her head on the keyboard … but he digressed.

**Welcome, Call_Me_Ryuzaki. Accept invitation to chat with I'mChainedToAPsychopath?**

L grimaced, but typed in _yes. Enter chat._

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath: **Ryuzaki! Finally! Can you see what's on the screens of the other task force members?

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki: **Why would Light-kun ask such a thing? I have no intention of pointlessly violating their privacy for Light-kun's amusement.

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath: **Ryuzaki! It's not like that! I'm just asking because when I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago, Matsuda was hunched over his computer screen with a red face and nearly giggling … so I was wondering whether, you know, he was looking at porn or something. I highly doubt our dead-end Kira case is going to inspire such amusement.

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki: **I see. In that case, Light-kun, I am able to discreetly monitor his activities. Please hold for a moment.

While L was off hacking the command sequence for Matsuda's computer, which was only a few minutes worth of time, the anxiously waiting Light was confronted with the unexpected. Namely …

**Golden&Glorious has logged on.**

**Gamergeek#3 has logged on.**

**Wammy's_First has logged on.**

Light checked the screen again to make sure this wasn't all just an elaborate hallucination, blinked once, and snuck a glance at L, who seemed intent at his work. Was e doing this as a prank? NO, it couldn't be. It just wasn't L's style, and L would never, ever, EVER call himself something like golden and glorious, when he so obviously was not. Not that he wasn't beautiful, in that pale, spidery, I'm-so-fragile-but-I-can-still-fuck-you-into-the-floor kind of way …

No. He couldn't think of L like that. But these being other people didn't make sense either. Why would L give anyone the codes to their private chatroom? Light turned back to his screen to find that the strangers, whoever they were, had started to speak. Maybe this could tell him more of what he wanted to know.

**Golden&Glorious: **L? We saw you on. Who's the other guy?

**Gamergeek#3: **since when did u use such perfect grammar, mells? L's probably busy. y'know, world's greatest detc. & all that.

**Wammy's_First:** Indeed. And to answer your question, I am afraid that Mello has chosen to believe he can keep up with me in grammar and typing ability, at which he shall surely fail.

**Golden&Glorious:** Near … if you hear knocking at your door, feel free to ignore it … because it'll probably be me with my new gun …

**Wammy's_First:** Indeed, seeing as you could not possibly be here while you are typing into your computer on the other side of the building. I shall remember to mention your "new gun" to Roger, though. I'm sure he will be quite interested, not to mention the fact that this is L's chatroom we're using currently.

**Gamergeek#3: **shouldve figured it was some crap like tht. Mells, when will u learn to chill? and what new gun ru talkin about?

**Golden&Glorious: **Shut up, Matt! I didn't tell you because you always react like this1 And no, I will not "turn around and answer you properly"! I'm waiting for L!

Light decided that this was a good time to make his entrance, to see if he could get anything more out of them before L came back, as he looked just about up to finishing. But just as he was about to type a first greeting and set them off-guard, another message infiltrated his screen.

**Wammy's_First:** I believe it's time for you to introduce yourself, whoever you are You've obviously been reading long enough to realize that we know L as well. And once again, Mello, you seem to have gotten distracted and lost sight of the important facts. More reason why you'll never be number one.

**Golden&Glorious: **That was a sentence fragment, Near. How's your perfect grammar now? But I suppose you're right about whoever else L gave the codes. Hello? Cat got your tongue, newbie?

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath: **Hello. I suppose I could be asking you the same question, seeing as L led me to believe this chatroom was a restricted one. Who are you three, exactly?

**Gamergeek#3: **o great. anothr 1. do u think that ther's a rule geniuses hav to be total pricks, mells?

**Golden&Glorious:** Hey!!!!! I'm not a prick, lazy asshole!!!!

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath:** Those who resort to chatspeak for the mere efficiency make things less professional and give the appearance of a significantly lower IQ. And, of course, the plural for "genius" is genii, not "geniuses." Do you work for L?

**Wammy's_First: **Curse words are the lowest form of a retort, Mello, something you seem not yet to have learned. If I may ask, who are you, Mr. "Chained"? Such an interesting screenname, especially for talking to L, must have a story behind it.

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath:** It's just a joke, really. You can call me Light. And as to exactly what my relation is to L, I'm afraid I most likely shouldn't disclose that. Just as you are, obviously, avoiding my questions with grammatical distractions and a petty rivalry.

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki: **What is the meaning of this, Mello, as I'm sure you instigated it, Near, Matt? I do not recall requesting a conversation.

**Golden&Glorious: **It's not like that, L! Matt just keeps a window up so that if you happen to be on and looking for us, we have easy access. We saw you were online and, since this is a _closed_ chatroom, we assumed you'd want to speak. Who is this guy, anyway? And what is his stupid screenname supposed to mean?

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath:** Funny, I was about to ask you the same question, Ryuzaki. Why are they allowed to call you L? And for your information, my name is merely a statement of fact seeing as I am currently chained to a psychopath who currently calls himself Ryuzaki. Sound familiar, _mells?_

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki:** Light-kun, I would advise you refrain from typing any more immediately, or I shall have to chastise you in front of your father. Now, please resume work on the case, and I will show you my information in a few moments.

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath: **You'll be hearing about this later.

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath has logged off.**

**Gamergeek#3: **chained 2 him, hu? y? ru … ukno …

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki: **I must as that while I am online, you refrain from chatspeaking, Matt. I am currently chained to the primary Kira suspect to ensure that he has no opportunities to resume his earlier bad habits, at least until I can catch the current Kira and gain evidence that may lead back to him. Was there anything else you three wished to speak to me about? I have business to attend to.

**Golden&Glorious: **Japanese, too, from your use of –kun. Exotic.

**Wammy's_First: **What we were intending to ask, L, is when you were going to make a visit to name your next successor, especially with the high risk probability of the Kira case. Have you come to a decision?

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki:** Yes. As I am unable to travel with my dangerous suspect, much less show him Wammy's, you will be arriving here for a weekly stay in three days. You will be referred to here as "other Ls," so I am sure you can act the part. It is a minor falsehood I have told to confuse Kira.

**Gamergeek#3: **Will we get to see this Light guy?

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki: **Yes. He is currently assisting me. Good-bye, Near, Matt, Mello. I have pressing matters of business to attend to.

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki has logged off.**

**Golden&Glorious: **Well, that just figures. L's probably just ditched us to make up his chances of getting some. C'mon, Matt, race you in Mariokart.

**Golden&Glorious has logged off.**

**Gamergeek#3: **i'm gonna pone your sexy ass, mells.

**Gamergeek#3 has logged off.**

**Wammy's_First: **I declare that I am now filled with forboding for the week ahead, if it means spending extended time in Matt and Mello's company.

**Wammy's_First has logged off.**

L, business finished, logged off and turned to Light, who he could feel glaring all the while. "Yes, Light-kun?" he asked blankly, turning his disconcertingly blank stare on his companion. "Did you want to see the file I had compiled?"

"Yes," Light snapped stiffly, unable to bring up the subject with L without yelling and, he feared, making a scene in front of the task force. "Please send the file over so I may examine it."

"Certainly."

Light turned back to his computer, fming. A few seconds later his mail box pinged. He opened it, expecting to find—well, not …

Not this.

The screen seemed nearly splatter-painted with virtual graffiti in varying shades of pink (bright, brighter, brightest, hot, and burn-your-eyes-out-flammable) of what seemed to be a profile for a trashy online dating sight. Matsuda was looking at _this?_ Actually … knowing Matsuda …

He scanned the profile idly. It read something like:

_Hi, I'm Taro Matsui, Misa Misa's manager. (Picture of Matsuda smiling awkwardly, cheeks red and suit's tie askew)_

_I'm friendly, energetic, and a good person to talk to or shoulder to cry on if you need one. I like strawberry ice cream, donuts, coffee, sunny days and helping Misa Misa choose her outfits! (click on link here)_

_I like women who are:_

_*small-waisted_

_*big-chested_

_*pretty_

_*like romantic comedies_

_*don't mind a shy guy_

_*forgive forgetfulness_

_I like men who are:_

_*well-toned_

_*easygoing_

_*cute_

_*tolerant of shyness and forgetfulness_

_Give me a chat if you're interested1 I'm always available ____!_

Light sweatdropped, unable to fully comprehend the stupidity that was Matsuda's online dating profile. He supposed that if L had had the same reaction, he must have concealed it better.

Light turned to look at Ryuzaki. "So, what are we going to do about this?"

L nearly lost his breath for a second at the sight of Light's tan-and-bronze gorgeousness and those well of caramel eyes turning to him in questioning, hiding the reaction as he had been having to do more and more lately. "I have a plan, Raito-kun. We will have to acquire compatible profiles, and your name is to be as foolish as you please. I have a plan to catch him out." He leaned closer, lips nearly an inch from Light's face. Anyone would have thought they were merely talking about Kira, if they had heard. "You can do most of the flirting, as I am inexperienced in that area, but follow my lead when I suggest a meeting-place. You shall be Holly and I will be … Ivy. I will contact you once I am set up."

Light nodded once and turned back to his screen, clicking on, surprise—highlighted pink link to CREATE YOUR OWN PROFILE! and beginning to work on his specifications.

**Name: Holly Collins**

**Screen Name: Holly_Beneath_the_mistleto1**

**(Light downloaded a picture of someone who could have been a really cute girl or a really cute guy and stuck it here, someone with bleach-blonde hair and a top bikini with red-and-green stripes)**

**Preference: Guys?**

**Hobbies and Interests: Kissing, drinking, shopping, makeup application, more kissing … (Light worried that he'd be forever tainted if he actually posted this)**

**Criteria for Dating Interest: Cute, available, and able to give a girl what she wants! (Light left anyone reading to guess exactly what this was)**

**CREATE PROFILE!**

**Welcome to HeartmyCupid, Holly_Beneath_the_mistleto1! Log in ****here****!**

Yes. Light was most definitely worried now. But how was L faring at a sight of such mind-boggling stupidity?

L, as he was the famous detective L who would ever do something so exhaustingly menial and idiotic himself, had contacted Aiber and asked him to take a few seconds off being Eraldo Coil to set one up, as he said, "for the purposes of an alternate investigation." Given only the name Ivy Hollins, he was sure Aiber would make an absolute masterpiece of imbecilic commercialism. What he wasn't prepared for, however, when Aiber sent it to him fifteen minutes later, was … well … _this. _

How could even L's magnificent vocabulary find words to describe it?

The first thing that caught his eye were the sparkles. Bright, pink, heart-shaped incandescent sparkles, radiating out from the pale pink-and-mint-green background of the page like something out of Light Yagami's worst nightmares. (He'd had one involving a cupcake ballet on sprinkle skates on the fourteenth—apparently they had called off the play to argue whether rainbow sprinkles should be referred to as "jimmies" or not, L wasn't sure whether to be impressed with the complexity of Light's unconsciousness, revolted, or perversely fascinated like he was now. And Light wondered why he liked to watch him sleep.)

Next were the words, in pretty purple bubble-cursive, all of them, overshadowed by the giant strip of image that was what Aiber had apparently determined an "appropriate image." It was a tanned girl with short black hair wearing a Gothic lolita schoolgirl outfit, looking like Misa post-rehab and drugs. L's stomach churned at the very thought of the image of it. The gist of his profile, to sum it up in something of Light's terms, went:

**Name: Ivy Hollins**

**Screen Name: ttlyiviliciusvixn**

**(L scanned past down the link offering a slideshow of further pictures hurriedly, deciding he really didn't want to know)**

**Preference: Guys. Definitely. Mraow. ******

**Hobbies and Interests: shopping, hugging, kissing, makeup, clothes, shoes, shopping, talking, guys. Yum. ;) **

L now wished that he had told Light that he was having Aiber make his profile in advance, rather than face the embarrassing scrutiny and disbelief that was soon to follow.

**Criteria for Dating Interest:** cute, good listener, yummy and willing to buy gifts …

L, even as he sent Light the link, would have been blushing if he didn't have such impeccable control.

Light blinked. He blinked again. Reclicked, rechecked, and recanvassed the link. Because, really, wasn't this too thoroughly done for anyone's sanity? Even for L's?

Light glanced over at him as he typed, starting a new chat window in the site:

**Holly_Beneath_the_mistleto1: **isn't this going a bit overboard, um … Ivy?

**ttlyivilicusvixn **lik noos. lets go catch some smexy manmeat, holls! ttly. 

Light sweatdropped and L permited himself an internal grin of satisfaction.

Five minutes later, Holly and Ivy had initiated a conversation with ManlyMachoMatsu25. L and Light watched in interest as Matsuda, looking nervous as he frowned over his computer on the other side of the room, made the first shaky online move.

**ManlyMachoMatsu25: **u-um, hey, ladeez. howz it goin? havin fun?

**Holly_Beneath_the_mistleto1: **how could I b? I'm not with u, MMM.

**ttlyivilicusvixn:** ooo. i ttly like it. what're u gonna call us, mmm ?

L seemed to have developed a minor fetish for using smily faces, as on here when he smiled no one was horribly repulsed. Though it was rather awkward, having to pretend to be an idiot so he could have to flirt with Matsuda. But he had a very good, very humiliating plan. He might even tell light about it, sometime after the taskforce went home.

**ManlyMachoMatsu25:** soooooooooooooooooooooo … u 2 ladeez wanna meet? where do u liv?

**Holly_Beneath_the_mistleto1: **r u asking us both out? on such shrt notic? we barly evn met.

**ManlyMachoMatsu25: **uhhhhh

**ttlyivilicusvixn: **chills, hol. matsu'll be fun. we live 'round kanto region, can get just 'bout anywere. u up 4 it ?

Perhaps, L worried, he was using a bit too many smily faces. Light, who kept shooting him odd looks, certainly seemed to think so. Maybe he was overplaying it a bit? This was how Misa's chat transcripts looked …

**ManlyMachoMatsu25: **yeah baby!!!!!!!!! hmm … larg place. were r u guys? sory, girls …

L thought it was time to step in for the completion of his plan.

**ttlyivilicusvixn: **I save that for latr d8s, sweety . how bout kosimaru bar? tomorrow a/1? well b ther. see u.

**ManlyMachoMatsu25:** Great. I'll see you tomorrow, Ivy and Holly! Bye!

"Matsuda," Soichiro thundered, having glanced over at him and found the red-in-the-face ex-officer drooling over the screen of his computer, "What are you doing?! This is work. Now, go make us some coffee!"

"Yes, chief," Matsuda said sheepishly, getting up and heading into the kitchen. His back turned as such, he did not see the glance exchanged by L and Light behind his back.

And they, as such, did not see Aizawa's grin as he stared at his computer screen, coming across the online version of an article this morning that had been in the local paper. Apparently a woman yesterday, a journalist, had spotted two _gay handcuffed men!_ entering the bakery yesterday, and then exiting to get in a Rolls-Royce limousine. She had also happened to have her camera on her. Oh boy, Aizawa thoguth, as he typed out the e-mail to the chief, precious Ryuzaki and guilty Light were finally gonna get it from the chief …

And, of course, the trouble couldn't stop there, could it? No, it could not. Because Matt, who had used the opportunity of L leaving to hack Light's much less well guarded computer, had discovered what they were doing. Exactly. Or so he thought.

And worse, he'd told Mello …

--

**Yay! Finally finished … do NOT expect a chapter every day or so, I won't be able to keep this pace up. Reviewers are the gods, and their reviews the nectar and ambrosia of life! Next time the meeting, and some Misa worked in too … not to mention angry!Soichiro! (Everyone cringes as speakers and television screens are yanked out of the wall and sent flying) Near's revenge for my other fic, War at Wammy's coming up next!**

**And I came up with a slightly humorous idea for an AU fic … want to see if anyone'll read it. So, A has always been L and B is Kira, and L and Raito are Wammy's boys! Won't mess around with A too long … I figure that B would've killed him, seeing as he had the eyes of the shinigami and all, when A issued L's challenge from books 1&2. Then the Wammy boys split apart to try and catch Kira on their own … and meet back up in the oddest of places. Sound fun? Please tell! **

**Now, to the CRACK MINI-CHAPTERS, of which the first two are written for the fair M because I told her the ideas and she thought they sounded funny enough to write out. all hail her! (And convince her to get a fanfic account. No ideas, schmimeas. Just write a fluffy oneshot or something.)**

**CHAPTER ONE:**

"**Ryuzaki!" Light snapped finally, stopping to rest for a moment as he balanced the heavy, unwisely proportioned donut box on his hip and turned to glare at the eemingly unfazed detective. "Could you call Watari to pick us up or something? This donut box is really heavy, and the task force will be there soon!"**

**L stared at him unblinkingly. "Watari is already on his way, Yagami-kun. He has agreed to meet us at the intersection of kochibarchi and amaru, though, so we still have approximately fifteen minutes to go. Do you think you will be able to withstand the pressure for that long?" **

**Light sighed, readjusting the cumbersome box. "Fine. But you owe me big for this, Ryuzaki."**

"**No more than Yagami-kun owes **_**me**_** for allowing him outside," L answered snappishly back, irritated by the increase of both sunlight and people, things he was not comfortable with. "Now, we shall walk. I am requiring sugar."**

"**Fine."**

**Five minutes later …**

"**Light-kun?"**

**Light looked at him suspiciously. "What do you want, Ryuzaki?"**

"**Can Light-kun carry his bag as well?" L proffered the tiny brown bag that contained Light's bagel. "My arm is getting tired."**

**Light growled, throwing the donut box aside so that they splattered behind him as he leapt onto Ryuzaki, knocking him back onto the street, where curious pedestrians gathered to gawk. Raising his head to glare at Light indignantly, L croaked out, through the hands on his throat:**

"**Possiblity … of … being Kira … up by fifteen percent."**

**--**

**That's what M gets for saying Watari picked them up too quickly!**

**CHAPTER TWO: (This one's for my name, I stole it off a screenname I had for an OC of mine, and this was the rackish scene between her and Mello on the first morning of her stay at Wammy's. Note, her other screenname was JustGrowUpAlready. You'll get it by the end, and if not, I'll explain it for you.)**

**Mello tapped the new girl on the shoulder. "Hey, newbie," he snarled in his usual manner, not pausing in his chocolate consumption to talk to her, "What's your name? Wammy's doesn't normally take girls, so I bet you picked something stupid."**

"**That's rather illogical. A more reasonable deduction, though no less prejudiced, would be 'smart girl are better at keeping their families.' And it's Nevermind."**

**Mello's eyes narrowed dangerously as he stalked a step or two closer. "**_**What**_** did you just say?"**

**Nevermind sighed. "The **_**name**_** I picked is Nevermind, blondie. Do you have a problem with that too?"**

**(Continued next chap for no particular reason. So Edgar Allen Poe's raven goes 'Nevermore,' quoth the raven, 'Nevermore.' and Nevermind hates that. And then JustGrowUpAlready is a testament to to Peter Pan's neverland. I picked the name because I thought it would be fun to piss people like Mello off with.)**

**If you have ideas of fun random!fluff you'd like to have doen for **_**this**_** chapter, I'd love suggestions. Though they'd require reviewing. So review!**

**-N**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Took me forever! You'd better enjoy. Sorry about my other updates … I can only work on one chapter at a time, and I love this story most. Well, besides all the other ones I've been reading instead of writing this … **

**Disclaimer: Ohba and Obata … (bells ring in the distance) Death-note! Death-note!**

**(The shinigami striking the bells pulls back from the chiming melody and groans)**

**Ryuk: Just get to the story already! This is not Raito in Wonderland – which would be funny to see, hyuk hyuk – and this is supposed to be a logical crackfic! They already know you don't own Death Note!**

**N: I suppose that'll do. But next time … you'd be surprised to see how barren a disclaimer can suddenly become. You think Light stints on the apples?**

**Ryuk: (Gulp) Please tell her not to be so heartless when you review … I NEED MY APPLES!**

**--**

"God, man, this is awesome," Mello gloated, sprawled on his bed across from Matt as he participated in an in-depth discussion on the new information they'd acquired on L's sexual life and how best to use it. "You are the best, Matt! I totally figured L was gay. And he's into bondage, too!"

Matt snorted, "Hardly surprising, for L," he said wisely, pressing the A button repeatedly in a desperate attempt to make up in speed for what he couldn't exert in skill while talking to Mello. As roommates Matt had picked up quickly on the fact that Mello actually like people to _listen_ while he talked, and got quite violent when they didn't. The only thing he hated more was when people finished his sentences or spoke before he did, which explained in part of why Mello and Near's relationship was so strained. 'I mean, come on. Could you imagine L actually talking, not to mention fornicating, with an actual _girl?_ Assuming he could even find one that wasn't a complete idiot!"

"You're right, Matt," Mello said, musing, "L is totally gay. This cute genius kid is probably like a godsend, if he can convince _L_ to act like a flirting fruit on a trashy online dating site. You know …"

"What?"

"There's got to be a way to turn this to our advantage. Not that it isn't sweet and all that L's finally about to get some, but either the dude has a weird sense of humor or they're not exactly beddie-bye buddies just yet. Maybe we should find a way to help them along when we go visit – and … wait!" Something dawned on Matt as Mello remained suddenly silent for a few seconds, and he looked up.

"You think that …"

"Of course he does!" Mello accepted the same wavelength thing as a given, continuing on: "Near totally has a crush on L, his mentor! And when he finds out that L has the hots for someone else, he's going to be totally pissed! So we're going to …"

"… convince Near to try to break them up and makes sure he gets embarrassingly, humiliatingly caught and subsequently punished by L without us ever being implicated?"

" – no, I was thinking more of convincing Near to try and brea –" Mello stopped, giving Matt a funny look. "How did you do that?"

"Your plans involving Near are all strangely similar," Matt deadpanned, bouncing of a Goomba onto a mushroom that turned him into Giant Mario. He'd found that Mario, especially the classic version for DS, was most helpful to play while talking to Mello, as after 97 times champ he probably could have won a videogame tournament for it in his sleep. Actually, sometimes he thought it would improve hi performance to play in his sleep. Less distractions that way. "So how are we going to do this?"

"Hmm?" Mello rolled over to face him then, looking at Matt but seeing Near's angry, horror-stricken face, a picture he very much liked. Especially if there were tears, and the angry denials at first, but then Near letting himself be comforted and while he was on Mello's lap finding the lube strategically hidden in his pocket, and one thing leading to another and then –

Mello, with difficulty, brought his mind away from one of his stranger hate/dominance fantasies. "Oh, I'll tell you what we're going to do," Mello said, a wicked grin forming on his lascivious face. "Let's just say that the first step requires whatever you found of that site and some selective editing – and, of course, for L to relog on to his chatroom. We'd better hurry. We've only got three days to lay the groundwork and get this thing rolling."

"Indeed," Matt muttered, snapping shut the case of his black DS. It was time to get to work.

--

Light checked his watch. Checked it again. Grew bored of checking it, saw L looking at him strangely, and turned back to the notes on the Kira case to check the computer screen time instead. Only 10:34, approximately … zero minutes more than the last time he had checked. How long could a few stupid hours until the lunch meeting freaking take?

L, now giving him an annoyed look, directed the chat window to Light's screen, figuring that if anything would be a distraction to the boy it would be the Wammy Triad.

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki: **Light-kun should stop looking so impatient or he will get us caught. Someone with the acting skill of Kira should be able to do this flawlessly, and I am afraid Light-kun is falling short of the mark.

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath: **Thanks a lot, Ryuzaki! And I'm not Kira, so I don't have to have any acting skills worth speaking of. But, I mean, seriously! What if something goes wrong? What if Matsuda sees us there and thinks that – y'know – we actually were –

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki: **Matsuda is going to be looking for two not-so-blonde bimbos named Holly and Ivy, Light-kun. Our plan has an 87% chance of succeeding, and a large part of the negative percentage relates to Light-kun's screwups. Though it might be a competition, between him and Matsuda-san …

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath: **You should consider an alternate career in psychology, Ryuzaki. If you didn't care that most of the patients left your office worse than they came in. Aren't you supposed to be looking at the file of the criminals' original death patterns I sent you?

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki: **I have already examined the data, Light-kun, and am unable to find anything more from it than mine and Light-kun's previous conclusions. There do not seem to be any current leads on the case, and so I shall take this chance as a temporary diversion.

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath: **Besides the fact that I'm Kira, you mean, so there's really no point until you figure out how to incriminate all three of us. God, Ryuzaki, you're so transparent.

**Wammy's_First: **L is by no means transparent! Any who say that to him ought not to have the privilege of so much as being suspected by L!

**Gamergeek#3: **dude, L's suspected worse. and I bet you just wish YOU were the 1beign suspected by L.

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki: **Grammar, Matt. And Near, Light-kun has understandable reasons for doing that as I have been most insistent on my Kira suspicions. Excellent work in disabling the log-in announcement device, by the way. If you'd done it only for yourselves I may not even have noticed.

**Chocolate_Or_Your_Death:** Trust you to screw up, Matt. Like my new screen name, Light-_kun? _You inspired it.

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath: **Perhaps L's heirs aren't as intelligent as I thought, if they can't even be bothered to learn the correct distinction between Japanese honorifics. And in case you're wondering, _Near_, no one worthy of L would get upset over something as minor as that. No one who's going to be the best ever considered someone else ultimately superior to them, because that is how you fail.

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki: **So that is how you see it, Light-kun. I was wondering about Kira's mentality. It is excellent advice, though, Near, for anyone hoping to succeed me. I expect you will consider it thoroughly.

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath:** Succeed you?

**Chocolate_Or_Your_Death: **Enough with the probing already, though L was rather less circumspect than normal! Let's get to the fucking e-sex!

**Gamergeek#3: **If they could do it they'd be actually doing it right now, Mello. They've probably got other people in the room. Wasn't L working with the Japanese police?

**Chocolate_Or_Your_Death: **Yeah, yeah, good point. They have to wait until tonight to satisfy themselves. And for your information, pretty boy, when you deliberately misuse something as an insult it does not automatically mean ignorance. But, Matt, you know …

**Gamergeek#3: **What?

**Chocolate_Or_Your_Death:** That's no reason _we_ can't have online sex.

In their room all those miles away in England, Matt pulled away from the computer and looked at Mello. "You, um, do remember I'm straight, right? And, banking that, that we're in the same room and could very well do each other if we want to?"

Mello smiled wickedly, taking the opportunity to rake his eyes over Matt's body and up to his face. "Of course I do, Matt. Though the satisfying idea sounds tempting. But if we were to describe something's to get them aroused –"

"I understand," Matt nodded, his determination building. "Okay. Just remember that I'm still straight."

He turned back to the computer, not seeing the look Mello gave him. Which was just as well, because it was an oh-we'll-see-about-that look. Apparently Mello had decided to take on the challenge of Matt's hypothetically straight sexuality.

Of course, it could also be seen as an I-want-to-fuck-you-screaming-into-that-damn-computer look. Which, knowing Mello, was slightly more likely.

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki: **No. That would most certainly _not_ be permissible in my presence. Would you fornicate if Roger was standing in the open door, watching you? Along with Near?

**Chocolate_Or_Your_Death: **You have interesting fantasies, L. And if Near's only way to get off is voyeuristic, then I'm certainly not going to object. So, then, Matt –

**CHATROOM ACCESS HAS BEEN DENIED**

Matt cursed, staring at the words that had risen to cut off his response on the screen. "Damn!" Mello cursed behind him, obviously looking at the same thing. Matt was expecting more ranting, but that didn't quite occur. "Hmm. I wonder if he cut off precious Near, too … Matt, you've got to get us back into that system. If they're still …"

"On it," Matt muttered, hitting the keys furiously as he stared at the computer screen. If they missed this, Mello would never forgive him.

--

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki:** I apologize for the inconvenience, Light-kun. I believe we should make the final online preparations now.

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath: **It's nothing, really. A good distraction, right? Which was what you had planned, taking in mind Matt's previous information and the enormously distracting powers of those three. Who you still need to explain, by the way. Why do you need a private chatroom to converse with three people so obviously immature? And what do you mean successors? L has successors?

**Wammy's_First: **I resent your immature generalization, firstly, and L needs a private chatroom to converse with us because he needs to make sure we can take over the Kira case if he falls. And to be more specific, we are other, subordinate Ls, and the L you're sitting next to may give orders to all of us while we work on his lesser cases. We are the three best, and so he needs to monitor our progress.

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki: **That will be enough, Near. Light-kun, that is the general summary and who I shall introduce them as when they come for a determining visit to the taskforce headquarters in two days. I will have Watari contact Roger and confirm your travel arrangements by my private het shortly, Near. I have determined that, after last time, you three are not suited to public travel.

**Wammy's_First: **I understand, L.

**I'mChainedToAPsychopath: **What happened last time, Ryuzaki?

**Call_Me_Ryuzaki: **I will share the story with you later. It is time to put our plan in motion, so perhaps Light-kun would begin the process.

Light huffed in exasperation and shut the chatroom window, logging in as – wince – Holly. Time to do some more flirting with Matsuda, then.

**ManlyMachoMatsu25: **hey, hols, ivi. I thought ud stud me up.

**Holly_Beneath_the_mistleto1: **wed nevr do that to u, matsu-pu. We still on 4 tday?

**ManlyMachoMatsu25: **of cours! Meet u in a halfhor?

**ttlyivilicusvixn: **si. u'l find us bi the plants, wering red &green. c u ther!

**ManlyMachoMatsu25: **alrite. i've got to work now; i'm in the police, u kno.

**Holly_Beneath_the_mistleto1: **i thot u wer Misa Misas managr, not polise. Did u lie 2 us?

**ManlyMachoMatsu25: **oh! Um, its kind of a cover job, my managering … but don't tell any1, im not supposd 2 tell.

L looked at Light in disbelief. This was how easily Matsuda gave up secrets? And he was supposedly a trusted member of the task force? L typed out:

**ttlyivilicusvixn: **don't worri, we wont. ;D we hav 2 go get redy now!

**ManlyMachoMatsu25: **oh … ok. ill be ther.

**Holly_Beneath_the_mistleto1: **got it!

Light logged off, an expression of disgust seemingly permanently etched on his features as he tried to distract himself from all of the distractions and immerse himself in the new Kira case death patterns, but black numbers were much more helpful than black words as he waited for Matsuda's all-important request. L had set it all up; he had some rather questionable people in place and a plan to get Matsuda caught in the most humiliating, public way possible by the task force. To tell himself the truth, Light wasn't even sure why L was going through so much trouble. Really, wouldn't exposing him here be enough? Why the theatrical display?

Not that L would ever admit the answer, if Light would have asked, but the simple fact of the matter was that his brilliant mind wasn't thinking straight, the Kira case was a dead end, and he was bored. Why not shame Matsuda and have fun doing so? After all, they only had approximately 39.6 hours before his successors and the mayhem they brought would arrive …

"Ryuzaki," Light said, turning to him seriously, "isn't it lunch time by now? Come on, you've been sitting there all day. Aren't you hungry? Oh, wait, I forgot. All you eat is cake."

"That would be incorrect, Light-kun," L said, picking disinterestedly at his cuticle. "I have a variety of foods on my palate, including many things besides cake. And I have decided that our lunch break will be an hour later today, to compensate for our lack of progress. I am afraid Light-kun will have to restrain himself and perhaps get some work done."

"What do you mean, other foods? Anything that isn't over fifty percent sugar?"

"Obviously not, Light-kun. It would interfere with my mental processes. Perhaps if Light-kun ate more sugar, he would be less depressed and more likely to wish to work on the Kira case. Though, perhaps he is simply so intent on distraction because he is afraid that I will find some new clue that is sufficient evidence to prove my suspicion he is Kira –"

L was cut off by Light's fist slamming into his face, causing his chair to tip back and dump him out of it. He used the chain to pull Light down with him and kicked up as the other boy fell, hitting him in the chest so he crumpled beside the detective. Light curled over on the side facing L and let loose again, l retaliating with a far more successful range as the two punched and kicked while the stoic police officers watched, fearing to risk life and limb by diving into the melee.

Finally it was Misa who came sprinting into the room, right on schedule, the little lolita throwing herself atop the mess and somehow finding a way to cling to Light, screaming frantically, "Get away from Misa's Light, you pervert! Stop hurting him!"

L rolled away, tugging Light into rolling over on top of Misa and squishing her, saying calmly to the now staring and gawking task force, "I am afraid that our lunch break has now been pushed backwards another fifteen minutes. And if everyone is not back at their computers within the next fifteen seconds, the time will raise another half-hour."

Matsuda, after making it safely back to his desk, noticed the time on the computer and gulped. 12:15. If he was going to meet Holly and Ivy at 1 at the Kosimaru Bar, he'd need to get going or he'd be late. And he knew how dates, whether girls or guys, hated people who were late on the first date. But L had sounded pretty adamant … Matsuda tried to consider this from a person like Light or L's point of view. How would he get L to let him out of the room without him suspecting? Ugh, if this was what it was like being a genius …

Just then, Light stood up and groaned, arching his back as he stretched. "I need to go to the bathroom," he announced to an annoyed-looking L, who begrudgingly rose from his seat and shuffled behind him to the bathroom they used, a separate one than for the rest of the task force. Suddenly Matsuda had an idea. Why couldn't he just sneak out? He was sure he could explain it off later … everyone already thought he was a flaky idiot anyway. Well, this would show them! Screw them anyway!

Matsuda paused, his anger temporarily derailed by that rather appealing line of thought. Well, not the chief, of course, that would be like screwing his dad, or Aizawa, because it would taste disgusting to have his hair gel's taste in his mouth, but it might be fun to see if he could arouse Mogi … and Light, too … but maybe not L, since he was kinda freaky. Though, judging by the bulge in his raggedy pants, he did have something else Matsuda might be interested in …

Matsuda derailed himself from that train of thought, reminding himself that today was girls, and flanked circumspectly down at his suit pants to make sure there were no tell-tale bulges. Safe. He coughed nervously, causing absolutely no one to look up, and announced, "I, uh, gotta go pee." He tiptoed out of the room, even though there wasn't any response except the chief's muttered, "Yes, well, fine." Well, he'd passed that challenge, at least!

--

Matsuda peered anxiously around the corner to the shaded booth behind the potted plant in the far corner of the smoky, subdued room, trying to see if he could spot a glimpse of red or green or, say, two busty, beautiful women giggling together and looking expectant. A guy can dream, can't he?

Well, there was something red almost visible from in between the leaves of the plant. Probably them? Matsuda steeled himself, aware he was sweating and his face was probably redder than the fresh strawberry on L's cake this morning, which he couldn't help but notice had taken in his mouth and licked and pulled and su – okay, Matsuda. Enough with the thinking-of-L arousals. He adjusted his tie. He could do this. Okay. Just picture Light going to a job interview, fresh-faced and wearing a suit and walking so briskly – maybe not the best image. God, he needed some action before he started jumping his colleagues in the kitchen or the hallway.

Matsuda nervously began the walk …

--

Misa Misa was ready. Misa Misa had her game on, bouncing just slightly on the balls of her feet as she waited in the women's restroom, admiring her perfectly, bright and shinily cute reflection in the admittedly smudgy and low-quality mirror. Misa Misa frowned. It could totally ruin her reputation if someone got a picture of her in this type of seedy bar, especially catfighting over oldie Matsu, but it was for Light. He always knew what was best, and she was sure he'd love her after this …

Misa Misa sighed, not daring to rest herself against the counter for fear of nasty germs. Why couldn't she make Light see what she already know he felt? He had been so intimate with her, before … Misa Misa wanted things back the way they were. Before the police, before that awful confinement, most especially before that awful Ryuzaki – he was the problem, really. If she could make him let go of her Light everyone else would be a breeze.

Misa Misa smiled. After all, she was a model. They knew about getting things done.

Behind her, the bathroom door opened. Misa Misa peeked in the mirror to see that one redheaded bimbo that Ryuzaki had brought in smiling at her, probably a lez by the looks of it. Misa Misa finished the application of her trademark lipgloss with a snap, turning to her with an energetic smile on her face. "Is it time for Misa Misa to go out and do her thing?"

"Yes," the woman said, smiling. Ugh, her hair so totally clashed with that whorelike red shirt! How did she stand it? "Matsu-pu's arrived, and Ivy's keeping him company. You should come out in five minutes."

"Okay!" Misa Misa chirped, nodding. She'd worry about how to free Light from Ryuzaki later. Right now, Light was counting on her, and she had a show to perform.

--

"Ryuzaki, really, I don't see why you would suddenly decide after earlier that we needed a lunch break out," Soichiro said uncomfortably, staring at the unconcerned detective whose entire being was seemingly immersed in the contemplation of a forkful of his sad-looking cheesecake. "I mean, not that I'm not grateful, but really …"

"This was not my main purpose for it, Yagami-san," L said, sniffing his cheesecake once more and taking a dispassionate nibble. "My main purpose was to provide a bit of fresh air for Light-kun, as he seemed rather put out after earlier. I must confess, also, that we seem to be getting nowhere."

"Oh." Soichiro coughed awkwardly. "Well, then. Where did Misa get off to? And Matsuda wasn't there, either. Now that I recall, he was acting rather strange …"

"Enough with Matsuda and that stupid Misa Misa," Aizawa fumed in his corner, causing Mogi to give him a funny glance but no one much else to take notice. Internally Aizawa seethed. And then he remembered all that lovely blackmail he had on stupid L/Ryuzaki …

Mogi was extremely disturbed at the Cheshire-esque cattiness of Aizawa's sudden grin, curling up to the very tips of his cheeks. Perhaps that was the Grinch he had been thinking of.

"I wonder if we should go check on her," Light said, frowning thoughtfully. "After all, this isn't a very nice pla –"

"MATSU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THESE TWO BIMBOS WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ATTENDING MISA MISA?!?!?!?!?!?" the screech caused every head in the room to whip around at the sheer velocity of the sound, including the bartender whose dirty glass had shattered, but excluding Aizawa who was still just sulking in the corner and trying to think of a way to tell the chief without getting in the way of the aftermath explosion.

L glanced up, seemingly more eager to leave his cheesecake than actually investigate the cause of the commotion. "It seems that Matsui-san has found his way here after all, Asahi-san. Perhaps we should investigate the cause of this commotion?"

"Certainly," Soichiro said with difficulty, rising with Mogi following him silently and not even bothering to look at Aizawa, who got up anyway just in case his incredibly impatient and stiff input was needed, which no one ever seemed to think of when going interesting places, like, say, the entrance to Sakura TV that Ukita hadn't asked him about, the only man he would have ever gone gay for and he left him and then he _died …_ was killed by the second Kira. Who everyone insisted in fawning over and calling Misa Misa like she was some kind of celebrity cameo on a reality show! Which would make him the severe, not really respected character that had almost no fanbase except for drunken redneck men!

They got there, luckily (if you believe luck can be iNfluenced by good planning), in time to see the next step of the mini drama unfold. Matsuda had by this time gotten out of his seat and was stuttering, red in the face; the two cheap-looking bustily tanned women with him were starting to look rather pissed off. Misa started shrieking again as Light fought to hold back a grin and Soichiro started to swell in anger: "MATSU ISN'T SERIOUS ABOUT HIS JOB! MATSU IS OFF CAVORTING WITH WHORES WITHOUT PERMISSION! MATSU IS A BAD, BAD MANAGER AND SHOULD BE FIRED FROM HIS JOB!!!!"

"Uhm … sorry …" Matsuda stammered, trying to back into the side of the booth and succeeding only in making himself look like he was trying halfheartedly to scrape paint off the wood with his suited backside. "I just kind of had a date … Misa Misa, please don't get angry …"

"Enough with the Misa-Misaing!" Aizawa exclaimed, grabbing the furious blonde and restraining her while he glared at the rest of the task force angrily, his afro jiggling dangerously. When he was bored beyond belief, L liked to relate Aizawa's body language to the exact proportions of his afro. Needless to say that he was hardly ever that bored. "What are you doing here, Matsuda? You can't just leave the office like that!"

"Uh … um … on a date …" Aizawa looked angry. Misa looked pouty, temporarily sidetracked from her goal. Light's look could have either been interpreted as a look of deep concern or someone trying not to laugh so hard they were about to have a hernia. L looked … well … like he had indigestion, but Matsuda thought that was just his normal look. Mogi had just beaten his record for the world's largest sweatdrop. Soichiro looked murderous. His craggy face was lined with anger as he began, heavily intoning like the minister of the one church that freak girlfriend had attended that he never went back to –

"Matsuda!" Soichiro roared, his rage surpassing even the importance of the secrecy of the investigation. L and Light traded glances, not having expected this. It was a good thing they'd replaced all customers and personnel with some of L's more discreet agents. "What the hell do you mean, on a date?! No member of the task force to capture Kira has time for such trivial, potentially life-risking things! I have half a mind to kick you off the force right now, with a few extra demerits waiting for you once you go back to your own work!"

"B-but … chief …" Matsuda stammered. No! How had they gotten here? First his hopes of hooking up with two hot girls later had been dashed by Misa, who probably hated him by now, and now this … the chief's face was starting to go all red and funny looking, like that one preacher once he got to the part about sins and smacked his pulpit so hard that it collapsed, and his rant on cheap wood and crooks who took advantage of men of the cloth afterward –

"You _will _be punished for this, Matsuda! Possibly you will never see another scrap of information on the Kira case! How did you meet these hookers anyway, if you've been at work all this time? OR DID YOU ABANDON MISA?" Light wasted a brief second in wondering if his dad's chest would pop and deflate like those overblown balloons that Sayu used to cry over.

"Uh no … I, um … wasonanonlinedatingsight," Matsuda forced out all in a rush, watching a recently discovered dark purple vein in Soichiro's pulse as it tried to process the information presented.

"You were using an online dating sight while the rest of us were slaving over the Kira case?! You have no dedication, no passion, no use!! HOW DARE YOU DEFY MY AUTHORITY?!?!?!?!" Soichiro roared, a few flecks of his after-lunch fish sandwich breath spattering Matsuda's red, shrinking face.

L looked at Light. "Perhaps we have slightly miscalculated," he noted, nibbling on the edge of his thumb. "Light-kun?"

"Yes, Ryuzaki?"

"I am in need of finer quality cake."

"…"

--

Matt grinned, exultant as he finally re-hacked the system. "Got it! Finally! Now, let's see what they did …"

Of course, there hadn't been much going on. But they did find something _else_ on Light's computer … something very, very _interesting …_

Mello grinned as he read it, a wide and truly terrifying grin. "Oh, man, oh, man," he said, staring riveted at the screen. "I love you, Matt."

Matt sweatdropped. "…"

--

Sachiko sighed. "Soichiro never gets to read the paper anymore," she sighed, turning over the paper and scanning the style section for anything fun to tell Sayu. A particular article caught her eye. **GAY AND KINKY MEN REPORTED IN PUBLIC BY LOCAL JOURNALIST**, the title proclaimed. What was that? She bent over to look at the picture …

Oh, no. No. How? It was – it was her _Light, _her and Soichiro's _Light,_ handcuffed to a perverted looking older man! Wasn't Soichiro watching him? She had to call and see!

Hands shaking, Sachiko reached for the phone and dialed. Brrriiiing, briiiinnnng, briiinnng … finally he picked up. "Hello? Sachiko? Is something wrong?"

"Oh, Soichiro, I found this article in the paper today …"

**--**

**CRACK CHAPTER THREE**

**Light was intent on his flirting with Matsuda, halfway pretending that this was really L and he was actually a lolita conversationalist, and was so involved he didn't notice his father come up in placid interest. "What are you doing, Light? This doesn't look like the Kira notes L sent us. What is …"**

**Soichiro's veins bulged. A vein slowly sizzled like a magma stream coursing beneath a soon-to-be-erupting volcano. He wore a very disapproving expression as he said, "Light … I'm afraid I'm going to have to punish you for this. I'm afraid I'm going to have to …"**

"**No!" Light shouted, eyes wide with horror. Even L was starting to look alarmed. Behind them, Aizawa smirked and Mogi produced a bubble-sized sweatdrop. Matsuda didn't even notice, so busy was he typing out his next anecdote to what he believed were two extremely attentive women that had promised to meet him. "You can't! Please, Dad, don't do it …"**

"**I'm afraid I'll have to, Light. I'm telling Misa, Sayu, and your mother about this."**

"…"

"**I need Light-kun alive for the purposes of the investigation, Asahi-san."**

**--**

**CRACK CHAPTER FOUR**

"**Yes," Mello hissed, Matt starting to eye him anxiously as the heads in the cafeteria swiveled bright with interest, "I do. What kind of fucking stupid name is **_**that**_**?"**

"**One who misspelled his own name should not judge so harshly of others," Near said from behind, Optimus Prime poking a plastic hand into Mello's side, drawing it back as the blonde shrieked in rage and lunged. "Would you like to sit at our table, Nevermind?"**

"**Buh – wha – NO FUCKING WAY!" Mello finally exploded in the middle of the cafeteria, so caugt up in his mental battle he didn't realize that the other three had already moved on the breakfast line and were peaceably filling their plates. "Hey, get back here Matt, goddammit! No way any newbie whore's gonna take my best friend from me!" **

**As he charged over, Mello's foot connected with something on the ground and he flew up into the air, coming down hard on his behind and staring up at the ceiling rather bruised and dazedly. Matt and Nevermind rushed over, helping him up even though he continued to protest and grumble. He did, though, allow Never to lead him to the table while Matt went back in the buffett line to get him some much-needed chocolate.**

**Smiling, Near reclaimed, his Optimus Prime toy and pocketed it, returning to the line with Matt. Mello wasn't allowed to hate anyone more than him, after all."**

**--**

**Yeah, a bit rushed. Parents yelling again. Review!**


	4. King Soichiro Sets Down the Law

**A/N: This one's shorter, and last time I only meant the crack chapters were rushed because I might have been on the computer for a while and my mother was one step from pressing the button and making me dust (scary). Or something of the sort. Thank you, reviewers, alerters, and favoriters. Yes, I am perfectly aware that those last two are not words. **

**Disclaimer: (M looks away from the computer screen, sees that she's in a shadowy basement, and does the 'WTF?' face of horror while falling back on her chair)**

**M: "Uh … hello? Anybody? Where am I? Where is this …"**

**N: "Hi, M. Sorry about this. You said you wanted to be in the disclaimer, remember? Sorry, didn't have much time to fix up the place. I was too busy writing the chapter."**

**Ryuk: "Hyuk, hyuk!" (looms over N's side, apple in hand as he gestures wildly) "You could have made this an apple orchard or a paradise – no, wait, those are the same thing – or a palace or Funland or something. But no – you really go in for the interrogation-type feel, don't you? I still say you should have used that one with Ohba on a chair that you wrote for that one AU fic that you're still not finishing. Talk about a waste!"**

**N: "Shut up, Ryuk. I'm far too lazy to do that, and besides, it doesn't involve you. And I simply can't store you in the cellar anymore. It used to be floor-to-wall with apples, and now I can't find so much as a solitary core unless I ook in your gullet! Did you know apple seeds contain traces of cyanide, by the way? The stuff they use in poison capsules?"**

**Ryuk: "Haha, my favorite food can poison humans. Come on, change the setting. You know you want to!"**

**(N sighs, looking around at her cowering friend and the dismal place) **

**N: "Fine. M, where should we take Ryuk in the magical realm of disclaimer-land?"**

**M: (taps fingers to side of face) "Hmm. Where do you want to go, Ryuk? I've decided that I'm dreaming anyway. (Pajamas magically appear on her, soccer tee and shors) "That's cool. Maybe I should be, um, about to go on a super-secret spy mission instead?" (Black, seamless spy clothes reform out of the pajamas) "Awesome!"**

**Ryuk: "Yeah, yeah, enough with the clothes. Shinigami can't change anyway. Where do they have a lot of apples?"**

**N: "In … Tartarus. They have a lot of apples in Tartarus. Come on, let's go pay them a visit."**

**M: "Um, N …"**

**N: "Away we go!" (Whirls off to Tartarus, comes to rest on a hill overlooking the Fields of Punishment, the sky is red and smouldering with Hades' surpressed malcontent) "Okay, this is majorly cool. People should do more things with their disclaimers, seriously."**

**Ryuk: "Aw, come on, where are my apples!"**

**N: (Points over the hill to a lake with fruit trees hanging low over the water and a guy who looks like he's trying to see who can win the Olympic aerobics energy wasters award) "They're over there. Go knock yourself out."**

**(N and M sit down on the hill and watch in companionable silence for a few minutes as Ryuk tries frantically to jump and grab an apple, the apples somehow always eluding him while the figure in the pool cursed in Ancient Greek and waved his fist at the downpour of leaves and twigs)**

**N: "M?"**

**M: "Yeah?"**

**N: " I think we forgot to have you say the disclaimer."**

**M: "Oops! Sorry, N doesn't own Death Note or any part of it!"**

**N: "Sorry I've wasted so much of your time. I hope m had fun on her trip to Tartarus, and that the rest of you derived a voyeuristic pleasure from the experience. The legend of Tantalus is at the end, in case some of you don't understand the significance of the pool."**

**M: "Yay! Time to read the chapter!"**

--

Soichiro had finally been restrained and brought back to the task force, after one attempt to release Misa (successful), one attempt to kill the stand-ins sent to catch Matsuda (only failed because L explained he had hired them for this purpose), one attempt to kill Matsuda (failed), and three attempts to throw him bodily from the task force office (two failed … Matsuda now nursed a broken arm, and was lucky for the ministrations of Watari.) Now, as he was finally calming down and L and Light had turned back to their computers, a call from Watari came through. "Soichiro-san, a call from your wife has come through. May I project to speaker?"

"Of course," Soichiro said, his father-sense tingling. "Hello? Sachiko? Is something wrong?"

"Oh, Soichiro," the voice came through the speakers, a frantic half-gasp of static sound. "I found this article in the paper today …"

Everyone in the room, including Matsuda, who had sheepishly insisted that he didn't need time to nurse his most likely earned wounds, listened on in a growingly horrified silence as Light's mother babbled on about how she had seen Light's _picture, _their son's very own _picture, _handcuffed to another older, perverted and disreputable-looking man coming out of a sweetshop and getting picked up by a suspicious car! Soichiro, who L had previously believed could only sustain one explosion of anger per day, began to ominously swell again and L wondered whether he or light would be first on the chopping block. Ah, well … at least Yagami-san wouldn't be able to see exactly what was written in the article ….

"Thank you, honey. I understand." There were a few seconds of silence after the connection was switched off.

"I've got the article right here, Chief," Aizawa said hurriedly, coming up with a copy of the paper and trying hard to conceal his maniacal grin. "Your wife's right. Here. Take a look."

Soichiro rapidly scanned the article's paper, face going from red to bruised-plum purple to normal, which scared Light a whole lot more. Once his father got normal … that meant he wasn't angry anymore. That meant he was just disappointed. And he was only disappointed once … once he had decided on an appropriate punishment.

Soichiro looked up from the paper, face grave. "When I allowed my son to be handcuffed to you, I was placing trust in you, Ryuzaki. You were not supposed to make him look _gay. _You were not supposed to sully his perfect image. You were most certainly not supposed to get him dangerously talked about in the news headlines!"

L blinked. "I apologize, Yagami-san."

Light, realizing that L wasn't going to help him self, haltingly rushed in, "Um, D-Dad, it was my idea … I just couldn't take being cooped inside anymore. Really, it's my fault."

This started Soichiro on the rage-building spiral that the therapist Sachiko had made him visit had warned him against. His face started to redden as he said, "That's what you're supposed to do, Light! If you hadn't been handcuffed to Ryuzaki this wouldn't have been a problem! He just simply isn't appropriate for anyone to be constantly around, let alone a son of mine! This sort of behavior is intolerable, and I shouldn't have put up with it in the first place!"

"Misa agrees!" Misa, who had picked the digital lock on her door with a stray credit card and three of her extension nails in the shades, Rasberry Riveted, Blossoming Blueberry, and Peach Pink – who knew different sizes could be used as specialized types of lockpicks? – chimed in, standing defiantly away from Matsuda at the back of the little crowd. L glanced at her for a moment, mildly alarmed – he'd have to check the security cameras later. Light, who had his life-saving priorities in mind, didn't take his eyes away from his father. Confront the wild boar first and the tree ape second, though he doubted Misa could climb as well as one. Or … well, if he was naked at the top of a tree or something …. Light shuddered and quickly shrunk away from that image.

"I fail to see what you are going to do about it, Yagami-san," L said calmly, nibbling a bit on his thumb and wishing that Light's mother had called after Watari had had a chance to bring him some decent sweets. "Letting someone who could potentially be Kira again out of confinement is not even worth contemplation, and it would be heartless to lock Light-kun away again. I am the only one I trust enough to watch him, and so, the situation stands. What does Yagami-san propose?"

"You are going to have to be a more fitting role model," Soichiro declared, well and thoroughly incensed by the great L at this point. "You have no respect for hygiene, have constantly searched for ways to observe my son in compromising situations, don't believe in proper breaks from work and have a diet that consists solely of nonhealthy, nonutritious sugary things. Clearly you are a bad influence on my son." He paused to see if this speech had any affect, which it clearly didn't.

L stared unblinkingly at him with his sable-colored eyes as he merely commented, "My purpose in this is not to be a role-model for Light-kun, or even a friend. I am his jailor. The conditions need not be exactly to anyone by mine's specifications."

"Nevertheless, you will meet my conditions or I will forcibly take Light from you," Soichiro said, towering over L. "You will wear normal clothes and not slouch when you go out in public. You will not act either like a pedophile, a pervert, or someone mentally deficit. While here, you will let Light off the chain for showers, bathroom visits – you may wait outside if you please – and will make sure that Watari shops for him as well. And, once a week, you will go out on a public date with Misa. Am I clear?"

"Dad, it's really not necessary –" Light began, but was cut off.

"I say it's necessary. And should you fail to meet these conditions, the task force and I will withdraw our support due to your inappropriate conduct. Now, I said, AM I CLEAR?"

L blinked owlishly, looking as unfazed a if they had been discussing brands of cheesecake. Actually, he probably would have got more fazed about the cheesecake. "Certainly, Yagami-san. I would not wish to interfere with Light-kun's social life or his relationships involving Amane Misa."

Light ground his teeth together. Stupid bastard. He probably was just doing this to get Light to make her reveal some information, or possibly both of them. How could L make everything work to his advantage like this?

"Good," Soichiro grumbled, turning as he sighed. " I need to go call Sachiko now and reassure her that I've taken care of it. Don't think this means I won't devise a fitting punishment for you later, Matsuda."

"Aw, darn," Matsuda said. Behind him, Aizawa smirked. That had worked out better than he had planned.

--

Near, after checking his computer alerts once and the deadbolt and soundproofing on his door and walls twice – he always made sure of this, after the Mello incident, reached for the hidden pocket under the floor beneath the bed and opened it. He drew the plushies out, the precious plushies he'd made in his room late at night with material stolen from the arts and crafts wing, a plushie of Mello and Matt and L and Kira, who was a black gumdrop with sparkly red sequins for eyes and a pin heart button fastening his Evil Cloak, as well as his yellow star-tipped Wand of Doom that could kill people if he waved it three times over their picture and said, "(Insert name here) deserves to die." three times. His new L after the Kira case had come about, was also dressed up rather differently … he wore white robes and had a sparkly halo/laurel wreath attached tenuously to his spiky mess of black hair, as well as a little hammer sewed on to his right hand with a quarter on the end of it so that the podium would make a little plinking sound as he roared in L's tiny voice, "I am justice! Kira will be punished! I am justice!"

Thus, the soundproofing.

Tonight, on the night before they left on the 19-hour light to Japan – Near's first with Matt and Mello and no adult supervision, which he was feeling slightly queasy about – he had decided to enact a very special drama. He had even made a new doll for the occasion, skipping lunch partly for that and partly so he wouldn't have to watch Mello call him a stick who should eat some roper food instead of that "healthy shit!" Near could insult him on his use of words anyone with a decent vocabulary should be able to avoid, as he often and successfully did, but fending off Mello was tiring. He much preferred to find a quiet corner or be in his room somewhere, playing with his toys or making a new doll. And today's doll …

Well, it was rather like the Kira one in principle, since he had no idea what either of them actually looked like. Half of it was a sparkly pink ice cream fairy that was beautiful enough to get L to chain it to him, and the other half was dark and awful and looked just like Kira … Near had made sure to attach his new heart-eyed L doll to the sparkly side. And he had very special plans for them, oh yes he did …

"Hi, Near, Mello, Matt!" the L doll squeaked, nodding them in and bowing in a floppy fashion, causing the Kira/fairy/Light doll to topple over. The L doll looked down in mock concern, dark pink button eyes sparkling. "OH no, I'm so sorry! Here, let me come kiss it better!" His mouth – Near had given him one that opened, for L to eat paper sweets – flopped onto the other doll's kissing the pink wide of him all up.

The Mello doll squeaked and said, "Hey, L, what are you doing? You can't just molest him in front of us!"

"Oh?" the L doll looked up. He looked down again. "You're right," he said, "my companion looks unharmed. Perhaps to make it up to you I can unchain him and we can all go back to my bedroom to kiss your boo-boos?"

"Yay!" the Mello doll squealed, as the Matt doll pulled scissors from out of thin-air and cut the silver ribbon connecting the two dolls. "C;mon, Matt! Near! Let's do four-way!"

--

Outside the door Mello gave it another few bangs, shouting, "Hey! Near! Open the fucking door so we can talk about L and his new boytoy!" He gave up after a few more bangs, looking enquiringly at Matt who gave him a shrug in response.

"I don't know. Maybe he's listening to music or something? Sleeping? Playing with toys? Near can be kinda lost in his own world sometimes."

"Sleeping?" Mello snorted. "No one _sleeps_ through my voice. I bet he's jacking off or something. C'mon, let's go. We can talk to him later."

Matt snickered. "There's no _way_ Near would do something like that. I swear, I'm supposed to be the expert on ink but sometimes you surpass even me, Mello. What do you do, visit my porn collection when I'm gaming?"

"You just have to look at it from both sides of the equation, Matt," Mello said knowingly as they turned the corner. "Though personally I can't see what's so great about a gender that seems to have idiocy ingrained on their very genes – wait. What do you mean, your porn collection?"

"Forget I said anything," Matt squeaked, backing away with his ands outstretched and eye protecting goggles in place as always. "Really …"

King Mello does not let his subjects look at any other form than that of his own beautiful image. The punishment is severe.

Poor Matt. Or, more accurately, poor Matt's left eye, poor Matt's right side, poor Matt's leg, poor Matt's DS, poor Matt all of his 73 games within Mello's psychotic rampaging reach.

--

L sighed, laying back in his bed after a long day full of nothing but domestic trouble and his plans not having the 100% percent success he demanded of them, especially one as simple as this. He glanced over at light, who by now was peacefully asleep. How had the boy managed to inadvertently cause so much trouble today? Really, the handcuffs might not have been the best idea, but Kira could never have suspected something so drastic. So why did he feel like he'd just gift-wrapped himself and have Watari place the labeled box on Kira's doorstep …

"Um …." Light muttered. "I know we're the future heirs of our kingdom, L. But we can't keep meeting in the garden like this – my father will find out, and our countries will be driven to war. No – don't do that, L – uhhh – what if someone sees? That one failure of a knight, Matsuda, caught us last week … agh, L, don't do that!" His body twisted beneath the sheet, causing his bare arm to end up next to L's chest. "L … you know eventually we'll be expected to have heirs ... no, stop! _Uhm_, that's good – L, why don't you ever listen to me?" Despite the never-ending string of complaints, Light continued to move, arching his back up and moaning as L watched him in mild shock. What did he mean, heirs? Nighttime trysts in a garden? Getting walked in on by _Matsuda?_ He'd heard teenagers had strange dreams, but this …

He was cut off by more of Light's talking, loud and clear as he dug himself into the mattress. "Augh, L … you know I like it that way …. more, more! Harder! Ahhh …"

L was beset by a sudden, wicked idea. If Light could pleasure himself that much just by _thinking_ of him … what would happen if he actually touched a bit _back? _Very cautiously, L rolled over on top of him and stroked one hand down light's chest. "Hmm …. L …" Suddenly Light rolled over on top of him, knotting a hand through L's magnificent mane as he cuddled into his chest, L trying to decide whether letting his primary suspect molest him was really a good idea.

Light then took a still somewhat impartial L completely by surprise as eh gently kissed him, planting his gently on lips that fondled his sweets, lips that could converse with dictators, lips that ordered deaths. Right then L didn't really care as he let out a moan involuntarily, surprised beyond belief. Light was _good. _Well, he should have expected that, considering how infatuated girls seemed to be with him, but … L wiggled. Inference and experimentation were not the same thing. Right now he was most certainly breaking his contract with Soichiro …

His thoughts were interrupted by Light breaking the kiss, falling back into a deeper slumber. "Oh, L …" he sighed. "Never mind all that. Let's just build our own kingdom…"

Yes, L thought as he was lulled to sleep by the sound of Light's steady breathing, That sounded like a good idea, indeed.

He considered the fact that he might not want Watari to examine this video, when he gathered them for L's collection. Sometimes the man guessed too much.

--

When Light shakes himself into awakeness he came face-to-face with L's wide eyes, the frail, bony form underneath him, and very narrowly restrains himself from screaming. Why was he … ? What did he dream about? He knew it had involved L … what if …

"Perhaps Light-kun would like to remove himself from my person now," L said blandly, waiting for Light to self-consciously scurry off of him and roll, red-faced, onto the other side of the bed. "Though it's a pity that he seems to no longer remember all he said last night. Would Light-kun like a reminder?"

For a second Light thought he saw a flicker of longing, or possibly amusement, actually show in L's eyes. "What did it involve?" he asked warily, not sure he wanted to know. If he'd done something with L, the person who accused him of being _Kira_, then …

"Let us just say that it is a shame Light-kun does not remember our first kiss. You know, Light-kun," L said, chewing on his thumb thoughtfully, "I think today would be an appropriate day to go out on our date with Misa-san. Where does Light-kun suppose we should go? After all, it is our last free day before the arrival of my colleagues, the other Ls."

Light groaned, and then, when a wicked thought popped into his head, said, "Well, that's a way to spoil my day. Couldn't you just have given me a good-morning kiss?"

"Does Light-kun mean that?"

"No."

"Light-kun is a tease and will not be getting breakfast."

"I'm letting you sit next to Misa."

"…"

--

**For all who didn't understand the disclaimer, here I present THE LEGEND OF TANTALUS:**

**Once, there was a great Grecian king, who was known as a fair and wise ruler and whose faults were ignored because of it. One day the gods invited him to a feast at their hall in Mount Olympus, and Tantalus was presented as the fraud he is when he was caught trying to steal some of the gods' nectar and ambrosia, and was banished forever from Mount Olympus.**

**When he got home Tantalus's children chastised him, telling him in all their teenage righteousness that he should never have stolen from the gods. Tantalus, fed up with it all (after all, he was a great king, WASN'T he?) decided to have his revenge. So, to show there were no hard feelings, he invited the gods to a dinner at his castle and served them HIS CHILDREN IN THE STEW. **

**As his eternal punishment, Tantalus was placed in a lake of water beneath sweeping fruit trees and forever denied drink or sustenance, the water disappearing as he reached it to his mouth and the fruit staying always out of his reach no matter how desperately he strove for it. He was left forever in a burning agony of hunger and thirst, unable to do anything about it. So Ryuk can't get his apples either. There's your daily lesson in Greek mythology, and now you see why the disclaimer's more of an inside joke. Though, for the record, I'm not sure M knew this story either. (It's in he second book of Perseus Jackson and the Olympians, by the way. ****The Sea of Monsters****. It's pretty good.)**

**Now, on to the crack chapters!**

**CRACK CHAPTER 5 (the "Mello incident"):**

**Near put his near plushie on top of his Mello plushie, making the Near plushie say in a breathy voice, "Oh, Mello, I didn't know you felt that way."**

**Then, in a deep, growly voice, the kind he used to use for Bugger the Bear, made the Mello plushie say, "Can it and just kiss me, Near. I'm through waiting." He made the Mello plushie's lips stretch up and attempt to reach his plushie as he lifted it off a bit, diving back down to attack him. **

"**Near, we have to go meet Roger toda –" Mello began, throwing open the door and stopping point-blank when he saw what Near was holding. "WHAT THE FUCK?!?"**

**Near merely stared at him, a hint of blush staining his alabaster cheeks. Mello backed slowly out the door, leaning on it after he'd slammed it shut as if to keep a wild, ravenous tiger in a cage from breaking out and rampaging through the zoo. "I shoulda been the one on top," he muttered, and the passing Matt snickered. **

**CRACK CHAPTER 6 (I have discontinued the Nevermind ones):**

"**You –" Soichiro panted as he lifted Matsuda bodily, having run up all thirteen flights of stairs chasing Matsuda (who knew he squealed like a pig being led to butcher when in mortal danger?) "- are – no longer – a member of this task force. You have – no right – to be in this building!"**

**And with that, the rest of the task force (who had taken the elevator, sure the chief was courting another heart attack from massive blowout and exertion) arriving just in time to see it, Soichiro pitched Matsuda out the window (L really should of thought of that; after all, it would make a good route for Kira to escape or Misa to commit suicide) and watched him spiral, flaling and screaming, down to the hard city ground below, the makings of a truly enormous traffic accident. **

**The Chief turned, rubbing his hands together in satisfaction, to come face-to-face with the rest of the task force, everyone's eyes as wide as L's (though his had gone 5/11ths wider than should have been possible by the limits of science). The staring lasted for several minutes. Finally Aizawa's voice shattered it, complaining, "Aw, Chief, why couldn't you let me help?"**

**Everyone turned to look at him. "…" L said after a second's thought. "I believe I shall go fetch Watari and create a cover story." **

"**Right," Light said shakily, not wanting his eyes to leave his dad but at the same time grateful to get away. **

"**Light-kun," L said presently, as they descended in the empty elevator once more, "has your father had any history of domestic abuse concerning your family?"**

"**N-No," Light answered, still freaked, "b-but sometimes he would tear up Sayu's report cards … or just storm out of the house HE got brought up on property damage once when he was younger, I think."**

"**I see."**

"…"

**RE A/N: Yes, I have finally put some shonen-ai in the story. And the dream sequence was for M again, because she wanted something more done with Light's dreams. Feel free to give suggestions, people. I would have had this up last night, but my dog was vomiting and I had to go with my dad to rush her to the 24-hour vet: didn't get back until late and we think she's going to be fine. So here you are. Anyone wanting to guest-star in a disclaimer, let me know: I love writing those.**

**In case you're wondering about my new name, ., I had a random flashback a few nights ago where I was in Signet (the gifted program at my old elementary school) and I was with my friend A (A for Awesome, Amazing, because I like using Death Note letters, and because she is my Alpha friend for all things manga-related, also known as Osaka or miss Micah Spence). We were in this center called Unexplained, which was, obviously, about the Unexplained, things like UFO sightings and all that. Well, we were stuck on this sucky packet that was freaking impossble to finish, and one of the tasks it detailed was to carve an Easter Island head out of a bar of soap. Sounds fun, right?**

**Not in my Signet. Our teacher gave us the kind of thin, flat, crappy soap bar you get in hotel bathrooms, and our carving implements? TOOTHPICKS! So, yeah, there was no way we could have made **_**that**_** look like anything from Easter Island. But hey, it's a random name, and that is my true contest with myself. Take .sledgehammers, for example. If you people have to rely on searching my name I pity you.**

**New story ideas that should turn into first chapters you can expect in a few days: **

**(So Far Untitled): Matt and Mello, bored and Kira-less, run away from Wammy's and Near tries to stop them but ends up being forced to come along for the ride. They make it all the way to Japan just to be caught by one Yagami Raito, the NPA's star detective, and guess who comes to pick them up? L, disguising as one of the orphan's caretakers. And he decides … that the three of them can have a little vacation after all. All sorts of fluffy fun, of course, a non-Raito Kira to keep L in Japan and start them investigating. Sound any good? AU, obviously. LxLight. (Duh.) Maybe some Wammy pairings, too. **

**Welcome to Near's Kingdom: In other words, a spin-off from my new plushie/Near fetish. Near has transformed his usual pristime bedroom floor into … um … two kingdoms. Rayen and Olem. (Chapter + crack chapter + disclaimer dedication to whoever guesses how Near picked the names before I post the second chapter of the story.) And, well, his plushie rules over Rayen and Mello's is the famously feisty Princess of Olem (yes, Princess. Who knew Near was skilled enough to make dresses in leather?) and one day Mello sees this stuff. At first he storms out, you know Mello, he's very sensitive about his feminine features, but he and Matt start coming back separately. (Matt is a brave knight, and his goggles have magical powers that can be used to see the truth in soeone's heart. Don't ask me why; Near invented it.) So they start playing the game seriously. Just where can the plushies lead? I don[t know, I haven't even started it.**

**So give me your opinion and review. And I apologize, for the fifth time this chapter in general and the second time on this particular subject, for the length of these giant authors notes. Review, please! **

**-N**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Sorry, incredibly late, but only two people reviewed and I had to retype the first three pages because it was on the laptop and I couldn't access it when back on the computer, and the Internet's crashed three times over the past few days. That said, Ryuk likes the candy apples on the Ocean City boardwalk, and the chocolate-covered ones, the ones with M&Ms, the ones with nuts, the ones with chocolate AND caramel, and every single one of the 94 other types he was illicitly able to hunt up … pay no heed to the haunting rumors. **

**Disclaimer: Ryuk (Looks heftier than usual and has a smear of caramel on chin): "Well, not only does N not own Death Note, she doesn't even own all the apples I ate! Justice is silly, if you ask me, because no one I possess ever seems to own enough apples." **

**N: "There are more bad things in the world than stealing apples, Ryuk. I haven't forgiven you yet for the seagull incident yet. I mean, seriously, dropping a seagull onto that one lady's hair just to get her little boy's apple?"**

**Ryuk: "He didn't deserve it anyway, little bugger. And it was a fun vacation."**

**N: "Seeing Ryuk bouncing up and down on a bed with both of your brothers asleep on it is not. I don't own Death Note or, sadly, any way to obedience-train Ryuk."**

--

Misa clapped her hands together and squealed at the entrance to the café. "This is so amazing, Light, us finally getting to go out on a date! What do you think Misa should order, Light?"

Light didn't answer, giving his chained arm a sharp yank in irritation as he surveyed the chick, popular café Misa had dragged them to. There was even a chance that they could run into some people from college here. How stupid was L, anyway, getting revenge on Light like this? For discovering something new about him, those supposed "other Ls"? Something was still suspicious about them, come to think about it …

"If Light-kun isn't preparing to become a surprisingly attractive statue in front of the restaurant, it may be wise to go in before they are closing for the night," L said, jerking on the chain in retaliation as he led the way in and Misa huffed, light unwillingly dragged behind. "Here they have exemplary cheesecake."

"Ew, Ryuzaki you perv! Stop thinking about my Light! I still can't believe you're chained together! And cheesecake's fattening!"

"Amane-san will keep her opinions on other's food preferences to herself, as is polite. Perhaps she should decide what to order instead of acting like a monkey on Light's monkey bars."

"Ew, Ryuzaki! Was that an inu – inuen – agh! That gross thing? You can't talk about stuff like that in public, much less do it, you sick pervert!"

"I merely intended for Amane-san to stop clinging to Light-kun. Nothing else was meant. And for future reference, the word was 'innuendo.' Perhaps you should be deciding what to order."

"Misa's getting a salad and some fat-free yogurt! Does Light know any good fat-free dressings?"

"Amane-san should stop obsessing about her weight and try the caramel French dressing. It may even make the limp leaves and sodden tomato hunks the food industry styles 'salads' taste somewhat palatable."

"That's so fattening! Don't you get anything, Ryuzaki? Misa's going to get the fat-free oil and vinegar!"

"I am simply trying to distract Amane-san from her weight fetish, which I presume most skeletal models possess in the years before it comes out about their eating disorders. I would warn her not to make fattening comments around my guests tomorrow; as one of them is rather temperamental and does not take perceived insults to any of his food lightly. What will you be ordering, Light-kun?"

"Hey! Don't talk to Misa's Light on her date, you voyeuristic pervert!"

" … it seems Amane-san has been vocabulary building."

"I'm a model! Models don't build anything!"

"… Perhaps I spoke too soon."

"Hello, may I take your order?"

"You're making no sense, Ryuzaki! Why would you think I built something anyway? And you'd better not talk to Misa's Light!"

"Was Amane-san planning to order before being dragged away in a lynch mob by other hungry, waiting customers?"

"You're so weird! Why don't you order then, so you can go eat your cheesecake and leave me and Light alone? I'm sure light can order for me!"

"Light-kun should not have to attend to the whims of vapid models suspected of being the second Kira. Amane-san is perfectly capable of ordering for herself."

"So is _my boyfriend!"_

"Um … there are other customers in the line, so if you could please place your order …"

"Amane-san will listen to the nice man and order or she will not be getting any food on her precious date!"

"Ew, you called him a nice man! You're so perverted, Ryuzaki! He isn't even cute!"

"Amane-san knows perfectly well that was not what I meant!"

"No I don't! It's bad enough when you hit on Light! Just do the world a favor and get a girlfriend, assuming any female could stand to come within twenty feet of your freakishness!"

"Let us point out that Amane-san, formerly presumed to be female, is currently in stifling proximity to my face!"

"I HATE YOU!!!"

"Excuse me, but I'll have to ask you to place your order or leave –"

"It is no wonder Light-kun cannot stand the presence of Amane-san!"

"I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!"

Needless to say they were kicked out of the café cheesecake-, yogurt-, and salad-less, had to pay restitution fees for the broken counter where Misa had leapt on Ryuzaki with superhuman strength and jerked Light down with him, and were not in a good mood the rest of the day, their last one without Near, Mello, and Matt … well, mainly Mello. If only they had known … well, L had. But idols aren't generally the best judges of their passionate disciples.

--

"How are we supposed to find them, anyway?" Light asked, peering around the bustling arrival area. "You haven't even told me what they look like! How am I going to help you spot them if you won't give me any descriptions? You aren't even moving!"

L remained unmoved, surveying the area stoically. "My, ah, colleagues, particularly these three, have a way of making their presence known. I suspect we shall discover their location shortly."

Light frowned. "You mean like on the loudspeakers or something? Then we'll have to walk all the way to the main office!"

As L was about to respond, though no one would know it to look at him, a great and riveting screech was heard from inside the only half unboarded plane: "_HEY!_ GET YOUR FAT SMOTHERING BUTT AWAY FROM NEAR, LADY! YOU'RE CRUSHING HIS ROBOT WITH YOUR FAT ASS! SIT DOWN AND WAIT YOUR TURN!"

"And that would be them," L announced quietly. "You have come into some aspects of Mello's temper via computer, but I am afraid it is rather more overwhelming in person."

"Trust the best Ls besides you to be even bigger freaks. What does Mello mean, robot?"

"Near uses toys as I use sweets, to improve clarity of thought. He carries them about with him."

"I see."

"…"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DISTURBING THE PASSENGERS! I _AM_ A PASSENGER, AND THIS WOMAN'S BEHEMOTH BEHIND IS INTERFERING IN US GETTING OFF THE GODDAMN PLANE! TELL THE FAT OLD COW TO _MOVE!"_

Suddenly mild-mannered seeming Light sweatdropped. "You're considering someone like him to be the next central L?"

"If he could control his temper, he would be exemplary."

"I see."

"Good. Let us go collect them before Mello is apprehended by the airport security guard and put into protective custody for terrorism."

"…"

"I know it's never going to happen."

--

"_**Ryuzaki!!!!" **_Something slight and blonde came barreling through two meaty security guards, one frozenly smiling flight attendant, and an airport official; leaving a small white-haired boy and a disinterested looking redhead in his wake as he threw himself on L and nearly succeeded knocking him down onto the filthy airplane floor. The security guards frowned as he chattered excitably in English, something indistinguishable about "Near" and "assholes who can't save it for the bedroom 'cause they don't get anything there anyway," which Light was hard-pressed to understand. L bore it all stoically, smiling down at the blonde boy and finally prying him off gently, commenting in English:

"It is nice to see you too, Mello. Perhaps you could allow the others to greet me, and speak Japanese so my companion may also understand?"

Mello pouted, anger completely dissipated. "Fine, fine. I'll speak Japanese for your bondage pretty-boy. Matt, Near, get your scrawny asses over here!"

Matt raised his head and commented mildly, "I suppose you'd know best about that." Light felt his brow knit in unattractive and most decidedly foreign confusion. Were they together? The two boys looked so young … come to think of it, these kids were supposed to be the L successors L was choosing from? They were even more unlikely Ls than L himself!

"Light-kun, meet Mello," L murmured, clinking the handcuff a bit as the airline people looked about to start forward. "The redhead is Matt. Near is the one bearing the robot."

"Like I couldn't guess, Ryuzaki. So you're Mello."

"So you're the psychopath so dangerous he needs to be chained 24/7 seven to a babysitter that has more important things to do than watch pretty boys who go on dating sites and flirt with idiots. Can't say I'm charmed."

"It is good to see you again, Ryuzaki."

"Likewise, Near, Matt."

"Yo."

"I would ask that you refrain from using American slang, especially while speaking Japanese. It sounds rather strange."

"Sure thing."

"- and I am _not _a psychopath! I'm a whole hell of a lot less violent than _you _are! What do you mean, honor to be chained to him? He's a freak with no hygiene or personal space boundaries to speak of who doesn't sleep and indulges in disgusting eating habits, accusing me of being Kira every time I move! Let's see how _you _would like being accused of L of being Kira! Maybe _you're _Kira! Hey, get off of me! Ryuza – MMPH!"

L looked down, taking in the sight of a small blonde-and-black whirlwind attempting to simultaneously strangle Light and knee him in the thighs, ignoring the shrieks of "Ryuzaki, help me!" and watching with no little enjoyment until … they rolled a little too far.

Matt and Near saw L jerked down by the handcuffs, as if in slow motion, and fall on top of both Mello and Light. They stopped in an instant as he pulled himself up, hands on hips, and declared, "Light-kun and Mello-kun will restrain themselves, or I will be forced to intervene and there will be no outings for the trip, not to mention the fact that at the moment Near and Matt are looking like much more mature successors. Light-kun, percentage up by ten percent for provocation of assault on a potential L. Now, shall we go?"

"Fine," Light pouted, sulking as L hauled him up in a surprising show of strength.

"Fine," Mello echoed, glaring venomously at him for a moment and swishing his blonde hair before striding over to where Matt stood. And then they would have gone, Watari having been instructed to pick up the suitcases from baggage claim and be ready with the car.

If not for the airport security, which had finally decided on a course of action. And L decking them, which apparently constitutes assault in Japan, especially when Light and Mello jumped in to help and ended up attacking each other. It was a stress-intensive forty-five minutes before Watari finally figured out what must have happened and came to collect them.

--

"Your room will be adjacent from mine, Near, and the ones to the side occupied by Matt and Mello," L said, somewhat harried, after their return from the horrors of airport security searching Light, Near, Matt, and Mello in front of him, being searched himself, and having all of his candy confiscated as well as the chain removed and the fear that Kira would kill these foolish people, not that he'd mind. "Dinner will be served by Watari in an absolute minimum of three hours, and Light-kun and I will retire to shower. Feel free to unpack and try _not _to get into mischief."

"You got it, L," Mello said cheekily, earning him with a glare from Light and a venomous stare from the supposed Ryuzaki. "Go have your shower."

No sooner did they hear the water running than Matt and Mello were back in Matt's room – on account of the electronic setup – and hatching their nefarious plans. "So you think you can hack the taskforce computers, as long as L's not online?" Mello asked, rotating on his bed. "'Cause this is too awesome to mess up." They were once again speaking in English, just to fool anyone besides Near or L who might be listening, and because Matt wasn't so sure how to explain complex computer terms in Japanese.

Matt grinned, leaning back and cracking his fingers in the image of a devil-may-care hacker. "Positive. You were thinking the dating site footage, correct? The modified version?"

Mello allowed himself a smile. "Correct."

"Give me five minutes and I'll have my foothold in their computers fully operational. Jeez, this is gonna be great …"

"Definitely."

--

**Sorry, no crack chapterly inspiration yet. Reviews aren't like apples to me, because it would be strange and unappetizing to print them out and devour them or try to eat the computer screen, but they're loved just the same. **

**Ryuk: "Desperate."**

**N: "Shut up, Mr.-If-I-Don't-Have-Sixty-Apples-Per-Day-I-Wreck-The-Computer. No apples, and let's see how exactly it occurs."**

**Ryuk: "I lied! Seriously!"**

**N: "A whole five chapters!"**


End file.
